Tim Henson

Since March 2009 I’ve lost over 20 pounds. Now the fact I even had 20 pounds to lose is a disturbing testament as to how ungodly huge I was. Fat sneaks up on you. In 2007 I lost a metric fuckton of weight and rocked my goddamn hoodies and slim (NOT SKINNY) jeans. Then, after about a year I got complacent and started eating Ben and Jerry’s by the tub and fast food by the trough.

Before I go on, I should tell you that *YES* I realize how girlie it seems for dudes to be talking about weight and dieting. But wake up, America is one giant, fatty pubic puff of a country. So, despite how faggy you may feel this post is, chances are you need to do the same.

Despite what doctors and recovering anorexics tell you, you lose weight by starving yourself. It’s a MEDICAL FACT. I should know, I talk about adult babies and snot fetishes for a living. Your body has to burn more calories and fat than it is taking in in order to drop the #’s. So, with a combination of a disgusting fat-free food diet and shuffling your ass around vigorously, positive results are just around the corner! How’s that for a pep talk?

Not everyone NEEDS to workout, persay. My life is so sedentary, it’s not uncommon for people to poke me with sticks and shit to see if I’m awake/alive.  Obviously, I need to make an effort to actually waddle about for a bit. I’ve been using WiiFit (because I’m a dork) but I mostly just stick with push ups, jackknifes, and running. The rest of the crap on there is just that: crap. I fail to see how extending your arms and swaying from right to left does any good unless you’re 85 with arthritic joints. My parents also gave me (oh God, I can barely type out the words) a Tony Little Gazelle they had stored. If you get the chance to use one of the machines, do yourself a favor and place a mirror right in front you. It makes you run like a retard greeting his parents after the first day of school. EMBARASSING. But I guess it works.

This is not to say I’m still not a whale, but I’m less of one. 13 or 14 more pounds and I’ll be back to my old weight.

My interest in Twitter is pretty erratic. I love using the search to find out if people are talking about stuff that I’m currently obsessing over (Selena Gomez!!!) but to be honest, my life is too boring to tweet on a regular basis.  That is, until I had inadvertently started a twitter war.

(@philcooper) told me I should be following some whacked out Pro Anorexia/Bulimia girls who had recently started tweeting. For those of you who don’t know,  these are girls who share tips on throwing up and starving themselves.  Natrually, I was interested. As a matter of fact, there are whole online communities devoted to this “lifestyle”.  Sample post from an ana/mia blog:  ”Is it normal that I can’t stop pooping blood?” As if it’s EVER normal to be shitting out Lake Superiors worth of blood from your anus. “Did you drink a lot of coffee?”

Here’s the rundown of what happened:

distortedview: Thanks @philcooper for telling me about @pro_ana FANTASTIQUE!. All should be following for some good tips and tricks to look FABULOUS

pro_ana: Girls please block these twitterers. RT @Distortedview @philcooper

Ok, in my opinion, the pro_ana girls over-reacted by far. I didn’t write anything particularly mean!(yet) Besides, isn’t that why they’re on twitter? To spread some thinspiration? What the hell is stuck up their asses? Probably coffee grounds, wine, or some other sure-fire enema solution.

distortedview: Oh, @pro_ana , lighten up. and by lighten up i mean LOSE SOME WEIGHT.

hunger4plesur: RT @pro_ana: Girls please block these twitterers. RT @Distortedview @philcooper

Skinnyscorpio: @pro_anaum. wtf? Why do people choose to pick fights with others on twitter, who they don’t even know? fuckin’ jerks!

GitEmSteveDave: @Distortedviewlooks like Timmy messin’ with the Ana-mia kids again.

pro_ana: Girls more twitterers 2 block: @GitEmSteveDave @wellithinkso RETWEET!

And on and on went the RT’s calling for my blocking. One little comment sent these girls into a frenzy, and I have to tell you, it was the most fun I’ve had on twitter since I used my cellphone in the bathroom to ask my followers to guess the type I shit I was taking. I lurve technology.